In a daze

I've been putting this blog post off for twelve days now. I know we won't always understand why some things happen...but that certainly doesn't make dealing with them any easier. My percocet induced daze helped me get through most of last week. Monday, August 27th I went for a checkup and for my third ultrasound. The week leading up to the appointment I had been telling my husband and close friends that I just didn't feel pregnant anymore. I had high hopes that my morning sickness had just decided to depart early. I didn't have any physical symptoms to lead me to believe I had lost our baby though, so I had that to hold on to. In my mind I was thinking that since I suffered a miscarriage back in February, I would be spared the heartbreak of another one and thought it was just my crazy, paranoid brain scaring me.

On the way to the doctor's office my husband and I were talking about anything and everything, just trying to keep our minds elsewhere. We were both obviously nervous about how the doctor's appointment would go. When the doctor came in she asked if I had felt any flutters or anything - since I was at the point where you can start to feel the baby move. I told her that I did feel something a few days before. I was in the bathtub, trying to relax my nerves, when I felt something move in my stomach. I jumped out of the tub, ran into the living room and told my husband I thought I had just felt the baby move! I was so excited - it immediately calmed my nerves and I just knew I was still pregnant! Right after I told the doctor this, she started the ultrasound. She kept moving the instrument around my belly where the baby was, not saying anything. Then finally she asked me if I had any cramping or anything - I told her no, none at all. I knew something was wrong, I just didn't want to believe it. At this point I started wondering why I couldn't hear the heartbeat. At our last ultrasound, I could see our little nugget moving around and could immediately hear the heartbeat - that wasn't the case this time. Finally the doctor said, "Well Lynsey, I'm not seeing good things today." My heart immediately sunk, and I knew I had been right. This is the first time ever that I wish I hadn't been right. There was no heartbeat, and the baby had stopped developing. Again, I don't understand why some things happen. Tears immediately started welling up in my eyes, then pouring down my face uncontrollably. I couldn't say anything for a few minutes, then she started talking about our options. We opted to go for a D&C and then they would send the tissue off for chromosomal testing. I hated to think that the baby we were supposed to be welcoming into this world on March 22nd was now being shipped off for testing - but I wanted answers.

Not a lot of people know, but on February 15th of this year I had the same bad news. We had just moved to this town three days before, it was Kaitlyn's birthday, and I was sitting in the ER being told I had lost our baby. The due date of that baby is a little over a month away now, and I'm not sure how mentally prepared I am for that. I was told how common it is for women to have miscarriages (as if that makes it any better!) and that I was perfectly healthy so there should be no reason for me to worry about this happening again. I left the ER, got in my car and cried for about 20 minutes, dried the tears, and then headed to Kaitlyn's school to take cupcakes for her birthday. That was the end of that. We had agreed that we would wait until after our vacation in June, then start trying again.

In July, when we found out were were expecting again we were over the moon excited!! We waited until we heard the heartbeat and got the go-ahead from the doctor before we told everyone our exciting news. I was really excited because five of my closest girlfriends were also expecting, and we were all going to be due within a few months of each other. What a cute pregnant belly shot that would be - I already had it planned out in my head! Then we had the terrible doctor's appointment twelve days ago - when reality hit me like a brick wall.

When we were leaving the doctor's office my face was noticeably red (I'm not a pretty crier) and I still had a steady stream of tears rolling down my cheeks. At first I was sad, then as the day went on I got angry, then even more angry. I couldn't understand why this was happening again. It's just not fair. Two days later I went in for the D&C. I was nervous before the surgery, but the staff at the hospital (St. John - Owasso) were absolutely amazing!! When I woke up from surgery I was in terrible pain. I told the nurse and she instantly gave me some morphine. That helped with the physical pain. A few minutes later I just started bawling, knowing our baby was officially gone. Again, the nurse was amazing and comforted me, helping me feel better emotionally. For the time being anyway. I went home, ate something, then slept off and on for the rest of the day.

I had everything planned out, the timing was perfect, and best of all Kaitlyn was super excited to be a big sister. Then sadness swept over me again when I realized we would have to tell her what has happened. How in the world are you supposed to explain that to a 6-year-old? By the way, we still haven't had the heart to tell her. That is going to be one of the toughest conversations, and I'm just not looking forward to it. Then anger came back when I started thinking about all the people that have kids, and either don't want them or don't deserve them. Why would God allow them to have a child, but not me? What have I done wrong to deserve this, and what can I do to change it? I was growing increasingly more angry/sad/confused/frustrated....everything. I still don't understand it. But, I know it's not my place to judge.....oh, and everything happens for a reason. That seems to be everyones favorite phrase to say to me these days. That and, well at least you have one kid already. Yes, that's true, and she's definitely a blessing! I love that little girl with all my heart, but that still doesn't change the fact that I want to give her a sibling, and I want to be pregnant again. Just because you already have one child, doesn't change the fact that when you want something so bad and it keeps being taken away - it hurts.

I won't lie, I still get angry/sad every once and a while. I go back to the doctor on September 10th to find out what our "options" are as far as having another child, and to see if they could figure out anything from the chromosomal testing. So, I'm trying to stay optimistic and hoping we will find out good news on Monday. Fingers crossed.

I keep reading this verse, hoping it will make me feel better....and it does, a little.
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10